Bunions, Life on the Streets
by Webbored Stories
Summary: Spin-off from 'As the Hairy Cankle Turns.' Features guest writers, background info, and origins
1. Bunion Teaser

Coming soon:  
  
Bunion, Life on the Streets *From the Files of Hairy Cankle*  
  
Que deep voice announcer guy  
  
In a world with out the Cankle...  
  
In a land before all hell broke loose...  
  
(que quick snapping picture sequence of a bunch of people... stop on a picture of Testosterone Mountain)  
  
There was...  
  
(que more flashing pictures of the characters... stop on a group picture of all the Cankle characters)  
  
Bunions!  
  
Fade to black... and title comes in toward the screen.  
  
Bunion, Life on the Street From the Files of Hairy Cankle  
  
... and you thought you knew what the fuck was going on!  
  
Starting tonight on Cinemax!  
  
(que cool guitar riffy sounding thingie) 


	2. Episode 1 to start it off

BUNION, LIFE ON THE STREET *TRUE STORIES FROM THE FILES OF HAIRY CANKLE*  
  
SEASON 1 EPISODE 1  
  
OPEN SCENE ON A DUSTY LIBRARY. COUNTLESS ROWS OF BOOKS LINE THE WALL FROM FLOOR TO THE HIGH VAULTED CEILING THAT RISES THIRTY FEET IN THE AIR. LIGHT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. THUNDER CAN BE HEARD FROM OUTSIDE AN ABSENT WINDOW. A SMALL GENTLEMAN IS PERCHED IN A LARGE LEATHER CHAIR. HE IS SIPPING BEER FORM A HUGE GOBLET MADE OF GOLD.  
  
The gentleman sets down the goblet and picks up a small book with a pewter dragon's foot attached to the front cover. He gives a stern and majestic look into the camera.  
  
THE JUDGE Greetings. I am the Judge. I was once the proud leader of a small group of thirteen prophets known as the Oracles. I, along with my twelve brothers and sisters watched over this once peaceful land. We were sent out into the world to shed light to the sub-humans. We were the protectors of truth. We were the watchers, the commentators, the seekers of light. Today, sadly, I am the only Oracle left.  
  
I wait here in my solitude, waiting for those that seek the truth.  
  
Today, I will dispense a tale for you. It is the story of the Oracles.  
  
THE JUDGE BEGINS HIS TALE AS THE SCENE FADES INTO A LARGE ROUND BUILDING. A DOME HAS BEEN BUILT OVER THE RUINS OF A CHURCH.  
  
THE JUDGE (V.O.) It began shortly after evil was banned from this place. Strangers being drawn to a center. We only knew each other by the look in our eyes.  
  
CAMERA PANS BACK TO SHOW THE FULL DOME. BEHIND THE DOME IS A CITY IN COMPLETE CHAOS. STREETS ARE TORN TO PIECES, BUILDINGS ARE FALLING APART. SMOKE AND STEAM RISE FROM VARIOUS PLACES AROUND THE CITY. FROM THE DISTANCE A FEW MOVING BODIES CAN BE SEEN CLIMBING AND CRAWLING. THEY ARE ALL MAKING THEIR WAY TOWARD THE DOME.  
  
CUT TO ASTROGIRL RUNNING INTO MR RADIO.  
  
ASTROGIRL Holy shit. I didn't think there was any one else alive.  
  
MR. RADIO (To himself) ROCK! A chick (To Astrogirl) Hi... I'm Brian.  
  
SHOW DIFFERENT CHARACTERS GATHERING IN FRONT OF THE DOME, SHAKING HANDS AND TALKING.  
  
THE JUDGE (V.O.) The meetings were all very cordial and filled with excitement. The events that took place in the weeks before were tragic. Some had thought it was the end of the world. Few were left, and those that were left were scarred.  
  
ASTROGIRL Does anyone know what went on here.  
  
DREAMER Well... I know this sounds crazy, but I had a dream about it. It was some fucked up battle. Whatever it was tore the shit out of the entire city and killed a fuck ton of people.  
  
MR. RADIO (To himself) Rock... another chick.  
  
STAINS What the fuck are you babbling about you stupid cunt?  
  
THE JUDGE Now, hold on a minute. I had a dream that was something like that last night as well.  
  
STAINS Look you fuck stick... I was there... I know what happen. These fucking "chronics" or what have you killed off the Darth piece of shit. Fuckers been holding me back for years.  
  
HENRY THE DOG What the fuck is this guy's problem?  
  
007 He seems to be pissed off that his lover got all blowned up.  
  
HENRY THE DOG Nice hair helmet.  
  
007 Piss off mutt.  
  
A VOICE IS HEARD COMING OVER A PILE OF RUBBLE  
  
NIKKI D Jeezus K-Rist almighty, what the fuck happened here?  
  
MR. RADIO (to himself) Another chick... this is my lucky day.  
  
BUNNY ONE Well... as far as me and the twins have figured out... all these yahoos seemed to have had a dream about some mystical fight betwixt good and evil and it ended here in a huge ka-boomie.  
  
STAINS Hold the fucking phone... excuse me... Mr. Writer... just what the fuck are you doing... this is really getting stupid. Do you really think you're being funny?  
  
FLIPPER (from the audience) Fuck off, at least you get a fucking part. I got bumped for the fucking bunnys!  
  
STAINS Not to mention you suck.  
  
THE JUDGE Look ya'll. Far be it from me to try to be the voice of reason... but it seems we all came to this particular spot for the same reason.  
  
STAINS Kinda like CA's on a Friday night... you came to see the same fucking show AGAIN and get really drunk while hanging out with your fat fucking friends.  
  
GHETTOSTRIPPER Some one had a huge bowl of pissed in wheaties for breakfast this morning.  
  
BUNNYS Wheaties with tinkles shall prove tremendous.  
  
007 Great... riddle talking rabbits, smart ass dog, a pissy fag, and a gathering of freaks that had a strange dream. Not to mention, I'm out of hair gel... I knew I was gonna get sent to hell for that shit in Mardi Gras.  
  
SEQUENCE OF SHOTS SHOWING THE GROUP REBUILDING THE CHURCH, GETTING A GARDEN SET UP, A FEW OF THEM LAUGHING, A FEW ARGUMENTS.  
  
THE JUDGE (V.O.) Despite their differences, they tolerated each other. Most of them understood that it was the only way they would survive the next few months. I was the most likable and best looking of the bunch, so naturally they chose me to be the leader.  
  
Just between you and me though... it was a close race with that stupid dog, luckily the mutt pissed on a few shoes.  
  
THE GROUP IS GATHERED OUT FRONT OF THE COMPLETED CHURCH. SMILES ARE ON THEIR FACES... EVEN THE MOST ANGRY OF THE GROUP FEELS A TINGE OF HAPPINESS.  
  
THE JUDGE Well folks... in light of this being a church, and this small group being sort of... I dunno... like oracles or something... I present to you... The Temple!  
  
THE JUDGE (V.O.) We went out looking for other survivors. We found quite a few. Most of them had no recollection of any of the events that occurred.  
  
We spent years searching for answers to piece it all together. We educated any one that passed by.  
  
After five years, we had finally pieced everything together... we discovered it started in the medieval ages... and ended in a tragic battle that took place on this holy ground.  
  
Before we could record all of the information into books, the temple was attacked.  
  
ODD CAMERA ANGLE OF THE GARDEN WITH A GROUP OF THE ORACLES WORKING. THEN SHOW A GROUP OF KIDS IN BLACK COATS COMING OVER A PILE OF THE RUBBLE. (QUE "DEAD BODIES EVERYWHERE" BY KORN)  
  
The attackers open fire and start blowing shit up.  
  
THE JUDGE (V.O.) All of the Oracles lost their lives that day, except for me. I was the only one who escaped with my life. It was a bloodbath of terror. The temple was destroyed.  
  
SHOW JUDGE SITTING IN HIS CHAIR TAKING A SIP FROM HIS GOBLET.  
  
THE JUDGE (CONT'D) I know they will come for me. I can only hope that I can somehow pass this information onto a worthy soul before that day comes. Until then, I'm just going to sit around here and drink my beer.  
  
THE DOOR OPENS UP AND 30 NAKED CHICKS WALK IN AND SURROUND JUDGE.  
  
THE JUDGE (CONT'D) You know... It ain't so bad!  
  
FADE TO BLACK  
  
ROLL CREDITS  
  
*Special thanks to Jaffe for the Title! 


	3. Episode 2 guest writer soopdrgn

In the outer sanctum of the dreaded soop dragon there is a riot in progress as Missy and Crowd arrive. People are ready to tear one another throats out.  
  
Each faction has come for the prize. Each group is willing to cause death and mayhem to achieve their final destiny.  
  
Crowd steps to the outer circle and approaches TTony.  
  
CROWD: What's going on here?  
  
TTONY: Dees here fucks wanna takes what's ours.  
  
CROWD: And what exactly is that?  
  
TTONY: We's came for da dragon, we's gonna leave wit da dragon.  
  
The screaming and bickering gets louder and more violent.  
  
CROWD: This is insane... some one needs to do something.  
  
Crowd climbs high on top of the horse statue in the middle of the sanctum and screams...  
  
CROWD: People... PEOPLE... HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!  
  
I am somewhat obtuse, yet clearly, I feel an urgent need to be here for you today in this , the greatest herd branding in the history of our webbored community.  
  
Four scarred years ago, a character, so unlike today and is now but a shadow of himself, signed on. This momentous occasion brought the funny out into the open to shine as a great beacon for the huddled few with chapped, brown tinged lips. It came as a righteous daybreak to the mollified nature of their existence.  
  
Yet after four years, give or take the odd week or two that slipped by spent mastering a specific task in the latest release of GTA, he and his ilk has been tamed. Four years later, the bored is once again shackled by the manacles of mediocrity. Four years later, we find ourselves bobbing on our own little islands in a sea of stoicism. Four years later, we begin to see the need for the jab in the ribs to jolt us from the puddles of warm comfortable mud that asks us to languish a while longer.  
  
In a sense, I stand here today to make a deposit in your day to day lives.  
  
When the architects of this forum made openly available the source for this outlet, they had no clue as to what they were signing on for. A source, which, in not so plain text said "Have fun kiddies", along with the self writing sophomoric phrases such as ' i', 'b', and 'STRIKE'. Yet it is obvious today that we have failed to use this source in a responsible manner insofar as it's possibilities are concerned. The source now screams "Unfunny, cumspot".  
  
But I refuse to believe that the promise that this character once showed is now bankrupt. WE, as some do, should refuse to believe that there is insufficient room in the brightly coloured great sand box for all. And so I come on you this day to urge you to funny up. The riches that are to be beheld and security for the life of this bored are but one more synapses connection away from reality. OK, maybe several leetle connections for some of the wooly quadrupeds around here...but possible none the less.... well, so, OK, some just ain't got it and never will, but you other thugs best be steppin' up, Yo.  
  
I have come on you, as several of you are aware, in your hollowed out spot.. err sorry... to this hallowed spot, to remind you of the urgency of now in this matter. This is no time to engage in chillin'. No time to further tranquilize an already sedate mind. NOW is the time to make real once again the pitfalls of those individual 'Joy Holes' we so lovingly created. NOW is the time to refurbish the dark and far from desolate minds and segregate the farm once again. NOW is the time to wield the branding iron of derision and drive the pointless flesh into the quicksands of destruction. NOW is the time!  
  
It will be fatal for this playground to overlook the urgency of the moment. A sweltering summer is nigh upon us, and I be needing to tan my legs so they be fittin' my ebony ass. Yet I shall not indulge in such a vain endeavor while the bete noire begins the dieing process much liek one witnesses Nature begin to fold at the closing of Autumn. And for those that believe I just be blowing of a little steam, I live in eternal hope that a rather large unkindness of raven, afflicted with distemper, find sexual gratification in every decomposing pore on your stale flesh. A reckoning must come. Be ashamed of your silence, be ashamed of your inabilities.. urgg, what's the point.  
  
But there is something I must say to one and all gathered here at this paling precipice. In the pursuit of a more perfect collective, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to stain the terrain with META TAG refreshes and embedded sounds, that shits really childish, yo. I offer that we must sting their sensibilities with avant garde retort an leave them wondering what it is all about. Let us not distrust all wordsmiths that bend our ear with some unsavory repertoire, for our future is inextricably bound and submersed in their future. We cannot walk alone.  
  
And as we live, we must make a pledge to renew ourselves. No longer is the tried and true entertaining. We must not rest upon our laurels. Patting your own pathetic ego because you remembered a line written by your peers some months ago and regurgitating it, does not constitute progress. It ain't funny.  
  
We can never be satisfied being a victim of malignant apathy. We should never be satisfied with the usual '#3' "stab at thee for hates sake". We cannot be satisfied as the kibitzer drones on and on and finds it's self having the need to use words liek 'kibitzer'. We cannot be satisfied with a "come one, come all" policy anymore! We cannot be satisfied as long as some snot nosed fucking tumbleweed finds it impossible to relate a coherent thought and fair knight fails to address the court with thoughts most coherent. We should NEVER be without 'born on' dated beverages!  
  
I know that some of you have travelled an easy road to arrive at this point. Some from conveyor belt public education, some from wholly unstimulated childhood, some from tepid relationships, but I say unto you.....fuck off, you ain't needed. Oh and.. wallow in your 'Valley of Oblivion'. I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of this day and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It's dream deeply rooted in the hay day of original thought and dark musings.  
  
I have a dream that one day this romper room will rise and live out it's true creed: "789" I have a dream that one day we shall gladly join in on the gabfest of our fellow citizens instead of loathing it's very existence. I have a dream. I have a dream of one day seeing the ring of fire complete, yes sir! I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, the little boys and little girls can sit down in the presence of satire and take one in the pooper for the Gipper. I have a dream! I have a dream that one day every worthy character will be exalted, and every odium received with open arms and blanks stares, and every crooked place be allowed to exist... I have a dream.  
  
This is my hope. This is the desire I leave here today with. With this desire I shall hew a canoe from an otherwise worthless carcass again and again. (I respectfully ask that you omit this one item from the abhorrent 'regurgitated' list 'cause it's just funny as balls, yo.) With this desire I shall create new religions.. With this desire I shall pen numerous melodious poem.. and many an obtuse statement. With this desire I shall ink the nature of this desire, that being, the desire to urge your desire to desire the desirable..... ahem...  
  
And if this of which I have voiced is desirable.... no wait... ermmm.. And to you I say, if what I have spoke of verges on your perception of a sandbox filled with joyous people, black men and white men (but please make sure there's many men), cryptic and prolix, Cobbs and other lessor religions, then let us come together, come together with toasting mugs held high and say......  
  
Funyons last, Funyons last Thank Cobb almighty, the beers here at last!  
  
As he finishes his speech, smiling in egotistical aire the groups gather in a oneness that had not been seen since the last night of King Don in the Kingdom of slam-a-lot... missy approaches and tugs at his long trench coat.  
  
MISSY: Crowd... crowd... CROWD  
  
*cut to new scene*  
  
Crowd is leaning againt the window with drool dangling down his cheek. He is wearing a retarded grin of simple pompous joy.  
  
MISSY: Uh... you were mumbling in your sleep... and you ripped a few nice ones... mind rolling that window down.  
  
CROWD: Wha?  
  
MISSY: You've been asleep for three hours... it's your turn to drive.  
  
CROWD: A dream... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... DAMN YOU NEWHART!!! Damn you to hell!  
  
*Fade to black*  
special thanks to Crowd for the lead in and wrap up.  
  
This speach can be found archived in the Encyclopidia Webbordicus under the heading Crowd: what the fuck has he done with his life? Sub-section stimulated rants: Crowd visions [27 b.a.c] 


	4. Episode 3 guest writer Nos

Bunions, Life on the Streets *From the Files of Hairy Cankle*  
  
Season 1 Episode 3  
  
Guest Writer: Nos  
  
FUCK!  
  
The Judge is sitting in his library sipping beer from his golden goblet. He smiles at the camera, as the thirty nude women paw at him.  
  
The Judge Today, the Judge here has got a story of pure violence. Viewer discretion is advised. Please. enjoy.  
  
Scene fades to a dusty gas station.  
  
The sky was black with smoke. Dusk was approaching, and the blackness grew deeper as two figures leaned against the side of a boarded up gas station, dressed in black clothing and raided police vests. A chill came up, and blew their trench coat in that awesome "We've got cool trench coats" kind of way as they looked at the far off fire which blazed at a former resistance headquarters. A fire which they had recently set.  
  
The little shit piss operations which dared to oppose the New Government were nauseatingly numerous. Rebels that couldn't let go of their old oppressors, and embrace the young government that they should have been helping to create.  
  
"I'm telling you, man, Tyler is a robot."  
  
"I just don't see it." Nos took a drag off his cigarette.  
  
CPK looked at Nos. "C'mon. Durden? Digital Unit Responsible for Destruction and Efficient Nullification?"  
  
"Gas is done, Chili." CPK walked over to the Jeep, removed the hose, jammed it open again, and tossed it on the ground.  
  
"Well, he is pretty good with that crazy-ass bow. But that's nothing. Christ man, you ventilated that guys head today."  
  
CPK jumped in the jeep. "He swore at me."  
  
"Your too fucking uptight about swear words. They're just words." Nos jumped into the drivers seat, flicked his cigarette towards the gas pouring on the concrete, and took off.  
  
"It's a sign of lowered intelligence."  
  
Nos laughed. "Shut the fuck up."  
  
The gas tanks exploded behind them.  
  
Streets were a bitch. They were filled with the rubble of old war, and you had to swerve all the time to avoid crashing into an inconveniently hard boulder, because the car would persist in breaking with you in it. Dusk faded into night, and the air became foggy. Nos could hardly see the road in front of him.  
  
"Let's meet up with the others, they probab-- HOLY SHIT." One of those inconveniently hard boulders materialized in front of the jeep. Nos swerved onto the side of the road, and nearly flipped the vehicle on it side. They rolled to a stop.  
  
"Nice driving."  
  
CPK was looking at the area. "Listen bitch, the only reason we aren't dead is my fucking driving, so I'd appecia--.. what the hell are you staring at?"  
  
"There, I can see some lit cave or something." Nos followed CPK's pointing finger to the dimly lit section of fog. It did, indeed, look like it was in some sort of cave.  
  
"Rebels?"  
  
"This close to the road? I don't know." CPK paused for a moment. "I'm going to check it out." He jumped out of the jeep, grabbed his rifle, and started off.  
  
"Alone? What am I supposed to do?"  
  
"I don't know. Kill something." CPK disappeared into the fog.  
  
"Good idea. Brain cells, I'll kill brain cells... now where is that pipe?"  
  
CPK reached the entrance to the cave, observing the strange markings. They lined the all walls of the tunnel entrance to the cave, and only seemed to repeat the same ten characters. "Uf2by3fmdz... It doesn't seem to mean anything." Glancing into the dim light towards the far end of the tunnel, he sighed, and continued to walk further. "Nothing to do but continue."  
  
In the darkness, he heard a gurgle.  
  
CPK stopped. "...Gurgle??"  
  
The darkness answered him. "Gurgle."  
  
"Gurgling is bad. I want to meet nothing that gurgles."  
  
The darkness responded with a defiant and somewhat overconfident, "Gurgle."  
  
"I'm getting out of here." CPK turned around, and came face to face with a creature so horrifying, that it cannot be described in this story without the author being responsible for many lawsuits and angry letters from responsible parents.  
  
The author would like to take this opportunity to blame everything on Crowd.  
  
CPK screamed in horror, and fired his rifle like a man gone mad. He ran backwards as the creature ran towards the flurry of gun fire. "God! Die! Dear God! Just die! AHHHHH" Concentrating his fire in one part of the creature, he fired until he had made a large wound. The creature continued to chase him. Still running backwards, he grabbed a grenade off his vest, lunged forward, and punched the grenade into the terror's stomach. It gurgled in pain as CPK hauled ass, forward this time, into the depths of the cave.  
  
From behind him, he heard the terrible, gurgling explosion.  
  
When he finally stopped to look around, he found himself looking at a woman sitting in a chair, writing in a small book.  
  
"Um," He aimed his rifle at the woman. "Before I kill you, could you tell me what that thing was that I just blew up?"  
  
The woman perked her head out of her book. "Ah! It's you! I've been waiting for you, you know. You're awfully late."  
  
"Right... I'm going to kill you now, ok?"  
  
"Wait! Wait! Listen to my poetry first. That's why you came."  
  
"No."  
  
"Ok, listen: 'Valentine Hearts, paper lace, glitter dreams.'"  
  
CPK body stiffened. He dropped his rifle, and fell to the ground.  
  
"Oh! You like it! Here you go: 'straddle the fence, read your map, sit in judgment - where's the X?'"  
  
CPK screamed. More poetry. Screamed. More poetry. Screamed.  
  
Nos heard an explosion. An explosion.. as the world had exploded with stupidity and apathy. When people had become useless sheep to him, who could not think for themselves. They were ridiculous sheep, whom did not deserve to bask among a man such as he. They were tied to their socially and economically acceptable lives, driving by a consumerist madness that brough--  
  
Wait.  
  
Nos heard an explosion, jumped out of the jeep, and ran to the cave. Inside the tunnel leading towards the lighted area, he stepped on something that made a wet gurgling sound. In fact, it was smeared all over the walls.  
  
This is when he heard the screaming.  
  
Nos ran into the lighted chamber, to discover CPK writhing upon the ground, and a strange woman speaking something. "What the hell is going on. YOU. WOMAN. What are you speaki--" Nos could hear her now. "POETRY. GOD." He pulled his pistol and shot her in the face.  
  
CPK continued to writhe upon the ground. Nos ran over to him. He considered shaking him, to bring him out of it, but he was already doing that, so it seemed sort of pointless. He decided to kick him a few times. CPK suddenly stopped, and starred at him.  
  
"FUCK."  
  
"...What??"  
  
"FUCK. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK HOLY FUCK FUCK."  
  
"Dear God, what has she done to you?" They looked at her. She still breathed.  
  
"Fuuuuuuuuuck!" CPK jumped to his feet, ran to her, and proceeded to claw out her insides, until he made a husk out of the woman.  
  
"Holy shit. That was awesome."  
  
"Fuck right."  
  
"Okay, that's weird, but let's get out of here."  
  
"Fuck."  
  
Back at the jeep, Nos radioed the rest of the team. "Hey, Chili, Beastiegirl says we've got some shit going down in Miami. Should be fun... are you sure you're alright?"  
  
"Yes. I'm all-fucking-right. Fuck."  
  
"Uh... alright man. Let's go"  
  
The jeep peeled out into the fog.  
  
Fade to black. Roll credits. 


	5. Episode 4 guest writer tonguefu

Bunions, Life on the Streets *From the Files of Hairy Cankle*  
  
Part 4  
  
Season 1 Episode 4  
  
Guest Writer: TongueFu  
  
The mythical origin of the SoopDragon  
  
We enter once again into the Judge's Chambers. He is surrounded by forty five naked women who are rubbing and caressing him and each other. A few of the girls in the back are engaging in a tongue kiss. There is a midget- chick with 37EEE boobs kneeling at his feet. He is sipping beer from his golden goblet.  
  
JUDGE Hey folks, it's me, Judge, everybody's favorite Oracle. Seems as though you came by for another story. Well... today I got a doozy for you. It is the Legend, folklore, fairy tale... it's the kinda shit that nightmares are made of... It's... The mythical origin of the SoopDragon.  
  
Please... enjoy.  
  
(Camera fades out as the women begin to climb all over Judge, camera fades up to a cave opening on the side of a mountain.)  
In the darkness, the beast shifted.  
  
She lifted her heavy, spiked tail and blew from beneath it a foul, oily, gelatinous spray.  
  
The dragon had been raped.  
  
The conquerors had come in the night. Three of them, armored and bewitched, had taken turns brutalizing her.  
  
The Jabberwock had been first. His shrill, nonsensical utterances had pierced the darkness as icily as his thrusts had penetrated her avian- reptilian loins.  
  
Next came the Barbarian. Careless of his own safety, less of hers, he imbued her with his indomitable seed. If he died in commission of this unutterable sin, it would be worth it to have satisfied his immediate lustful need.  
  
And the last. The third. The final, anguished humiliation. An Alabriton. The reviled and despised mistake of a mother from Alabama and a father from Britain, possessing the worst qualities of each. He, too, had left his spoor within her.  
  
And now, a night later, the dragoness knew their seed had found her fertile, and had taken hold.  
  
She could only lie still, eat a little food, and wait.  
  
* * *  
  
As the bastard monstrosity grew within her, Murrrr grew certain that while her offspring would wield power, mighty power, it would appear hideous and grotesque to all who had the misfortune to behold it. It would speak the gibberish of its first Father, possess the steely cruelty of its second, and be cursed and abhorred in same manner as was its final Father.  
  
* * *  
  
Murrrr knew her life was over even before she felt the claws and fangs of her misbegotten spawn rip her open, splitting her nearly in two, splattering blood and mucus and rage across the walls and floor of the cave.  
  
Standing on his own, the terror, the SoopDragon, pierced his mother's belly with his fangs, snapped his head up, and dashed her limp body against the high ceiling of her lair. She fell unnoticed to the floor and was still.  
  
The horror, the Beast of prophesy, strode to the opening of the cave. Instinct told him to fly west, across the mountains, across the sea. Fly to the side of the Master who had called to him since the moment of his grisly conception. The Master promised food, of the most disgusting, delectable sort. In never-ending supply.  
  
Unfurling his greasy, scabrous wings, the SoopDragon answered the Master's call...  
  
(fade to black) 


	6. Episode 5 guest writer tigerlily

It's a Poo Thing  
  
(Flash-back)  
  
A hospital in Tri-County  
  
(The evil Doctor Glitch and nurse D73 are standing in front of a row of 13 incubators)  
  
Glitch: Nurse, the serum!  
  
D73: Doctor, I'm not too sure about this. It's only been tested on monkeys in the lab and there were some awful side effects. Why, that one chimp's head exploded and the others were all afflicted with Leishmania donovani and Visceral leishmaniasis. Not to mention Bursitis, Arthrogryposis, and Hallux Valgus. I'm afraid the effects of the DNA serum are unstable and too volatile. You may not get the results you are looking for.  
  
Glitch: I know that! I created the drug 5 months ago and I know it's still under construction but damn-it, there's no more time! They're closing in on us. Serum NOW!  
  
(D73 hands Glitch a syringe full of dull brown liquid)  
  
D73: Well, hurry then. By the way, how exactly did you make that serum?  
  
(Glitch walks over to the first incubator, D73 stands slightly behind him)  
  
Glitch: I combined the micro-organisms of Antelope shit along with the properties of pepperoni from that pizza joint down the street-Dom's Pizza I believe the name is-added a small amount of beer and voila! I'm a genius!  
  
D73 (nodding): Yes Doctor.  
  
Glitch: Now, time to finish this experiment.  
  
(Glitch injects the first baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby shrills out loudly and Glitch jumps back into D73. The shrilling suddenly stops. Glitch and D73 carefully peer into the incubator, ready to flee in a moments notice)  
  
D73: OMG, what happened to him?!? What's wrong with his arms? They turned all gimpy and his legs look like dried up chicken feet! And a mullet? My god, what have you done to him???????  
  
Glitch (insane laughter): Ahahahahahaahahahahaha, I've created a gimp!  
  
(The baby, in response, blew a huge drool bubble and shot a spiraling stream of pee 12 feet into the air. The piss burned holes thru the medical equipment nearby)  
  
D73 and Glitch: Whoa, cool!  
  
D73: Ok, so maybe he's not as bad off as I thought. Should we keep him, Doctor?  
  
Glitch: Of course, and we shall call him Uselesslegs because of his deformity but he will be far from useless. Bwahahahahahahha!!!! Next!  
  
(Glitch injects the second baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby remains quiet but grows a long mane of hair. Glitch waits for a few minutes but nothing else happens)  
  
Glitch: That's it?!?!? JEEZUS fucking Christ! My first subject gets cool spiraling piss and all this kid gets is long hair? And look, it's got split ends! What the fuck????  
  
D73: So it's your first failure, maybe you'll have better luck with the third child. I think we should call this one Jeezus, because God took pity on him.  
  
Glitch: Whatever.  
  
(They move on to the third child, another boy. Glitch injects him with the serum and immediately the baby becomes glazy-eyed and produces a baggie of weed from thin air)  
  
D73: Whoa, cool! It's a little Stoner dude!  
  
Glitch (disgusted): Although his ability is interesting, he will not be of any use in the future. I'm trying to create a team of warriors, not potheads and girly-boys! Nurse, remove this Stoner baby from my sight, and take that Jeezus baby with him too! I don't care where you send them; just make sure it's far away from here! NOW!!!!!!!!!  
  
(D73 rolls the two children away. Glitch moves to the fourth incubator containing a little girl)  
  
Glitch: Two failed experiments already. Let's hope this one will come out better.  
  
(D73 returns as Glitch injects the fourth baby and waits. Her breasts begin to grow. Glitch stares wide-eyed as the baby's breasts continue to grow for a few minutes and then finally stop)  
  
Glitch (amazed): Whoa, cool! Look at that perky set! Success!!!! I shall name her Jen!  
  
D73: Uh, Doctor? Are we keeping her?  
  
(The baby girl seems to have some issues with her newly acquired breasts though and she keeps fussing. Glitch continues to stare wide-eyed)  
  
D73: Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR?????  
  
Glitch: Oh, huh, what?  
  
D73: I said, are we keeping her? She seems to have a few issues with things.  
  
(D73 points to the enormous chest on the tiny baby)  
  
Glitch: As much as I'd love to keep her for the team, her breasts are too distracting. Send her to Jaxsonville. Our little JenfromJax will be known throughout the world as the chick with the perkiest set. I'm sure she'll get over her issues when she's older.  
  
D73: Yes Doctor.  
  
(Glitch moves onto the fifth incubator as D73 rolls out the fourth. The fifth incubator contains a boy. Glitch injects this baby with the serum and waits. A few seconds later the baby consumes his blanket)  
  
D73 and Glitch: Whoa, cool!  
  
(The baby rips out some wires hooked up to a nearby medical contraption and eats those)  
  
D73 and Glitch: Whoa!  
  
(The baby then starts eating the mattress)  
  
Glitch: Ahahahahahaha, he's a keeper! What a perfect addition! Call him Psycho and put him next to Uselesslegs.  
  
(D73 rolls Psycho over to Uselesslegs. Glitch moves over to the sixth incubator and injects that baby, a boy, with the serum. The baby's knee shines faintly)  
  
Glitch (pointing at the baby's knee): What the hell is that?  
  
(D73 walks back over to where he is standing)  
  
D73: Some sort of Poisoned mucus I suppose, here, let me wipe it off.  
  
(D73 tries to wipe the mucus off but it remains)  
  
D73: Hmmm, why, it looks like a snail trail.  
  
Glitch: Gross! Get that thing out of here. Send him up to Vermont or something with the Pen family. They're a bunch of drunken slobs so he'll fit right in!  
  
D73: Yes Doctor  
  
(D73 rolls the baby away)  
  
Glitch: Damn-it! 6 babies and only two of them are useful! This is turning out to be a disaster!  
  
D73 (upon entering the room): Don't give up hope. You still have 7 more to go. Something good will have to come out of this sorry bunch.  
  
Glitch: You're right, let's keep going.  
  
(Glitch and D73 go onto the 7th incubator containing yet another boy. Glitch injects him with the serum. The baby stays calm for a few moments, wails loudly once, then tears off his baby wristband. As he removes his wristband, his fists turn to stone)  
  
Glitch and D73: Whoa, cool!  
  
Glitch: Call this badass with stone fists Shifty and put him with the other two. He will be the powerhouse! Ahahahahhahahahahaaha, YEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!  
  
(Glitch celebrates loudly as D73 rolls the child away)  
  
Baby Shifty (in a barely audible whisper): Whore  
  
D73 (dumbfounded): Huh?  
  
(Glitch is oblivious)  
  
Glitch: Ahahahah, I'm a fucking genius! No one can beat me!  
  
Baby Shifty (a little louder): Whore  
  
D73: OMG! Doctor! Listen to this!  
  
(Glitch pays no attention to her)  
  
Glitch: I'm the greatest! Ahahahaha! Look at Mmmeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Baby Shifty (loudly): Whore!  
  
D73: DOCTOR, DOCTOR!!!! Will you shut-up and listen!  
  
(Glitch stops dead in his tracks)  
  
Glitch: What?  
  
(D73 points to Shifty)  
  
Baby Shifty: You can all kiss the fattest part of my ass! I said WHORE!  
  
Glitch: Holy shit, he can talk!  
  
D73: I know! Isn't it great!  
  
Glitch: My god, maybe the next one will turn out even better! Put him with the other two! Hurry nurse!  
  
Baby Shifty (as D73 rolls him over to Psycho and Uselesslegs): I'd rather be with gars.  
  
(Glitch moves over to the baby in the 8th incubator, D73 joins him a moment later. A little girl surrounded by different dolls lies in the incubator. Glitch injects her. Immediately afterwards, she beings tearing the heads off all the dolls in rage except one-A Joey Fatone doll)  
  
Glitch: Hmmm, interesting. She looks so timid with that gay doll. I think we will keep her. Call her Lilshyone and put her with the rest. It's the shy; quiet ones you got to watch out for. She may prove very useful indeed.  
  
(D73 puts her with the rest and rejoins Glitch in front of the baby boy in incubator 9. Glitch injects him as well and the baby balloons up 4 times his original size. The boy also starts whining uncontrollably)  
  
D73: Wow, he's the Big Boy of the bunch!  
  
Glitch: Yeah, can you get him to shut-up though?  
  
(D73 tries for a few minutes to get the baby to stop whining but it works to no avail)  
  
D73: Maybe this is a side effect of the DNA serum. Maybe he'll whine the rest of his life.  
  
Glitch: God help the world if that's so.  
  
D73: So are we keeping him?  
  
Glitch: No, send him to Jaffe Salad Productions. The owner is looking for an heir. He'll be of much more use to him than me.  
  
(D73 wheels him out. Glitch continues on to the 10th incubator containing a redheaded girl wearing Florida Gators booties. He injects her and waits. Nothing happens)  
  
Glitch: God damn-it! Nothing is happening!!! What the hell?  
  
D73: Just be patient, maybe something will happen.  
  
(They wait, nothing happens)  
  
D73: What should I do?  
  
Glitch: Call her Jen and send her to Florida. Send her to the Florida Gators head coach for all I care.  
  
D73: Yes Doctor  
  
(D73 wheels her out. Glitch approaches the 11th incubator containing a boy. He injects the rest of the dull brown DNA serum into the baby and watches in awe. The boy's two front teeth grow in rapidly, although there is a huge gap. His little dinky begins to glow)  
  
Glitch: Whoa, cool!  
  
(In response, the baby pees out a stream of glowing green neon. The neon pee burns thru some medical equipment like acid)  
  
Glitch: That kicks ass! I'm going to call you Nexus. You're a perfect addition!  
  
(Suddenly, D73 enters the room and frantically locks the door)  
  
D73: We've got trouble, they're here!  
  
Glitch: You have got to see this kick ass shit! This one pees neon green acid!  
  
D73: Did you hear me? They're here! We've got to hurry!  
  
(D73 pauses)  
  
D73: Wait, did you just say he pees neon green?  
  
Glitch: Yeah, it's so cool!  
  
(Nexus pees neon green again and it burns thru some more medical instruments)  
  
D73: Whoa, that is cool! But we've got to hurry!!!!  
  
Glitch: Right! Go grab the other syringe. It contains the super secret serum. I have special plans for my little Tigerlily and -Crowd-  
  
(Glitch motions to the two last incubators, one holding a tiny girl, the other a boy with a huge bubble ass. D73 searches for the syringe. Loud knocks can be heard)  
  
Voice One: Open up!!! We know you're in there!  
  
(More loud knocks)  
  
Glitch: Hurry!  
  
D73: I can't find it!  
  
(More loud knocks)  
  
Voice Two: This is the Tri-County police. Open this door now!  
  
Glitch: It's over there on the counter! The syringe filled with the shiny black liquid! Hurry damn you!  
  
D73: Got it!  
  
(D73 rushes over to Glitch with the syringe)  
  
Voice One: That's it, we're coming in!  
  
(Glitch plunges the needle into the girl. Loud banging now)  
  
Glitch (shouts): You'll never take me alive!  
  
(Glitch finishes injecting the tiny girl and then starts on the boy. As the door is broke-down, the last droplets of shiny black serum are dispensed into the bubble butt boy. Two cops enter with guns drawn)  
  
Voice One: Freeze!  
  
(D73 drops to the ground)  
  
Glitch: Go to hell!  
  
(Glitch plunges at cop number one and both cops open fire, showering him with bullets. Blood splatters the room. Glitch falls down in a slump, dead. As the cops check over D73 and the dead evil doctor Glitch, no one notices the incubators of Tigerlily and -crowd- glowing..  
  
(Fade scene) 


	7. Episode 6 guest writer D

The Adventures of Hairy Cankles/Volume XXIX  
  
Tongue-fu tiptoed around the corner, only to bump into Henry the dog. "Watch where you fucking going" the dog snapped.  
  
"When this is over, I'm going to find a potion to shut you up permanently", Fu shot back. Henry was just about to tell this m'effer off when his superior sense of smell went off.  
  
"Dude - do you smell that?"  
  
"Smell what, you stupid ass talking dog?" Fu said as he tiptoed on in the darkness. Then a faint light caught both their eyes. "This way " said Fu.  
  
"No joke" replied Henry as he scratched his nads.  
  
Fu stopped, "I do smell it. What is it?"  
  
Henry replied, "I don't know, but damn I'm getting hungry. Let's go find out."  
  
They were unaware that the Spinners midget hunchman (yeah, yeah I meant henchman but was going for a mini-quasimoto kind of a thing) was watching. And outside the secret darkened locale, the different factions were about to converge.  
  
And somewhere in the hills of North Carolina, the original Oracle, watched in the crystal ball and laughed. The oracle thought 'The time for my return is imminent. I shall call my old contact and have the supplies readied for my return.'. 


End file.
